401 - MAKE IT STOP!!! (Holiday edition)

When time travel technology finally arrives, my first trip will be to stop the birth of the author of this song, T-1000 style. And there's a special layer of hell reserved for people who sing "And a partridge in a pear tree!" every time someone rattles off any kind of list.

My theory: this was created as a 19th-century torture technique

402 - Bend over, human...

I can has dignity?

In a magical, secret forest, hidden away deep in a mystical glade, near a brook sparkling in golden sunlight, romps an imaginary creature: the cat who doesn't care if you strap a tacky, suppositoryesque accessory to his head.

403 - WTF, Orkin? I mean, WTF?

How many years must we suffer through the nightmare of this commercial? Did you do any market research into whether giant talking bugs were the way to sell your services? Did the focus groups find the evil clowns too tame?

Well, I was going to go to sleep after the news, but I guess now I'll call Orkin. For some reason.

404 - I can think of happier things you could do with those hands...

How long have human beings had hands? Why is it this has only become popular in the last 18 months or so? And will it ever, ever stop?

405 - Listen to the toys. The tooooyyyyssss....

I understand this is how people become plushies.

406 - I guess you had to be there

Dave, I've been a fan since your late-night debut in February 1982. I've weathered a lot of your highs and lows, and won't even go into the nightly repetition of jokes. But there's something you've been doing for a while now, and I'd like you to stop. When you "warm up" your audience with a friendly Q & A before taping the show, leave it there. Nobody at home knows what you're talking about, why you're cutting to some random person in the audience, and why you're devoting monologue time and entries on the Top Ten list to them. You have a TV audience of several million, and these are inside jokes that only the few hundred people in your live audience will ever get. Please do the math.

One of these people has a goofy personal story that we couldn't care less about. The others are audience members.