#416 - Because even pets deserve shame

“No More Mr. Brown Eye” is the slogan of Rear Gear, a company whose sole products are covers for your pet’s anus. Yes, that embarrassing anatomical exhaust port that Muffin and Fido seem to love showing off for company will no longer endanger your chance to join the best country clubs.

Simply strap the rubber-band-like object around your pet’s tail, and let Rear Gear do the rest. I understand how this might work for dogs, but the fact that Rear Gear expects me to put a rubber band on the base of my cat’s tail indicates that they’ve spent absolutely zero on R&D.

Rear Gear is the 800-pound gorilla in the room of anal concealment. Up until now, even your most tasteless guests wouldn't let on that they were admiring your dog's bunghole. Now that there's a attention-getting cartoon on it, it's rude of people not to stare.

"Why Marge, are those new slipcovers?"
"Yes, don't you just love the way they match the covering on the dog's asshole?"

#417 - Guess Who's Coming in Dinner

Let's begin with the item that inspired this list. Ladies and gentlemen, epicurians and gourmands of the world, I give you Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.

Yes, you read that correctly.

In the foreword, author Fotie Photenhauer claims “Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants.” That's as may be. But while I agree with the first part (depending on the size of one’s porn budget), the latter gives me pause. And by “gives me pause” I mean “scares the shit out of me.” Many fine young men work in the food service industry, but I'll take my chicken piccata “emission”-free, thanks.

The book's recipes include “Slightly Saltier Caviar,” “Glazed Grilled Pink Salmon,” “Tuna Sashimi with Homemade Dipping Sauce” and “Noodles with Special Spicy Sauce.” For dessert, try “Tiramisu Surprise.” Surprise, indeed.

Photenhauer recommends notifying those eating your “personalized” creations of the special ingredient they contain. He believes that this somehow will comfort guests who’ve just discovered that you’re out of your fucking mind.

Manny: Philippe! Inez! So good of you to come. Please put your coats on the bed. And by the way, we’re having semen for dinner.
Philippe: Excuse me?
Inez: Did I hear you right?
Manny: Yes. Semen. You'll find I've put a little of myself into everything on tonight’s menu.
Philippe: Now, look here, my good man.
Inez: Are you out of your fucking mind?
Manny: No, just really tired.

Although it’s probably not mentioned in the book, this endeavor must be intended for single men. I can’t imagine any spouse (gay or straight) letting his/her husband get away with rubbing one out into the salad and offering it to Bob & Diane from down the block.

Welcome to the Showroom

You'll notice that this blog begins with post #417. Why?

1. Starting with #1 is lame
2. Starting high and counting backward gives me a goal
3. I'll probably be too lazy to reach that goal, but stopping at #403 sounds better than stopping at #14.

This is a subjective list. I make no apologies for the fact that I may post things here that you 1) think should exist; 2) make, sell or use; 3) are offensive to the eye, brain, sexual or religious persuasion.

Now let’s get down to business.