#417 - Guess Who's Coming in Dinner

Let's begin with the item that inspired this list. Ladies and gentlemen, epicurians and gourmands of the world, I give you Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.

Yes, you read that correctly.

In the foreword, author Fotie Photenhauer claims “Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants.” That's as may be. But while I agree with the first part (depending on the size of one’s porn budget), the latter gives me pause. And by “gives me pause” I mean “scares the shit out of me.” Many fine young men work in the food service industry, but I'll take my chicken piccata “emission”-free, thanks.

The book's recipes include “Slightly Saltier Caviar,” “Glazed Grilled Pink Salmon,” “Tuna Sashimi with Homemade Dipping Sauce” and “Noodles with Special Spicy Sauce.” For dessert, try “Tiramisu Surprise.” Surprise, indeed.

Photenhauer recommends notifying those eating your “personalized” creations of the special ingredient they contain. He believes that this somehow will comfort guests who’ve just discovered that you’re out of your fucking mind.

Manny: Philippe! Inez! So good of you to come. Please put your coats on the bed. And by the way, we’re having semen for dinner.
Philippe: Excuse me?
Inez: Did I hear you right?
Manny: Yes. Semen. You'll find I've put a little of myself into everything on tonight’s menu.
Philippe: Now, look here, my good man.
Inez: Are you out of your fucking mind?
Manny: No, just really tired.

Although it’s probably not mentioned in the book, this endeavor must be intended for single men. I can’t imagine any spouse (gay or straight) letting his/her husband get away with rubbing one out into the salad and offering it to Bob & Diane from down the block.