401 - MAKE IT STOP!!! (Holiday edition)

When time travel technology finally arrives, my first trip will be to stop the birth of the author of this song, T-1000 style. And there's a special layer of hell reserved for people who sing "And a partridge in a pear tree!" every time someone rattles off any kind of list.

My theory: this was created as a 19th-century torture technique

402 - Bend over, human...

I can has dignity?

In a magical, secret forest, hidden away deep in a mystical glade, near a brook sparkling in golden sunlight, romps an imaginary creature: the cat who doesn't care if you strap a tacky, suppositoryesque accessory to his head.

403 - WTF, Orkin? I mean, WTF?

How many years must we suffer through the nightmare of this commercial? Did you do any market research into whether giant talking bugs were the way to sell your services? Did the focus groups find the evil clowns too tame?

Well, I was going to go to sleep after the news, but I guess now I'll call Orkin. For some reason.

404 - I can think of happier things you could do with those hands...

How long have human beings had hands? Why is it this has only become popular in the last 18 months or so? And will it ever, ever stop?

405 - Listen to the toys. The tooooyyyyssss....

I understand this is how people become plushies.

406 - I guess you had to be there

Dave, I've been a fan since your late-night debut in February 1982. I've weathered a lot of your highs and lows, and won't even go into the nightly repetition of jokes. But there's something you've been doing for a while now, and I'd like you to stop. When you "warm up" your audience with a friendly Q & A before taping the show, leave it there. Nobody at home knows what you're talking about, why you're cutting to some random person in the audience, and why you're devoting monologue time and entries on the Top Ten list to them. You have a TV audience of several million, and these are inside jokes that only the few hundred people in your live audience will ever get. Please do the math.

One of these people has a goofy personal story that we couldn't care less about. The others are audience members.

407 - It's the weak economy, stupid

I vowed at the outset that I wouldn't let this blog become personal or political, but this one's just popping up too often to ignore:

Never let it be said that the businesses of today aren't doing their part to create growth and build the economy.

408 - Is that Nnanncy? Nno, it's My Twinn!

The creepiness that is My Twinn dolls has been arounnd for a while, but that doesnn't make it right. For the unninnitiated, for $150 parennts cann sennd a pic of their daughter annd a monnth later the girl's glassy-eyed dopplegannger arrives in the mail.

The doll tells me things. Terrible things.

There's plennty of available add-onns (outfits, pets, furnniture) available for the little daughters of Chucky, but this onne deserves special menntionn:

Nnow your My Twinn cann look just like your daughter after her enncounnter with your drunnkenn boyfriennd!

Curiously, there are NNO other fanntasy environnments for the dolls, just this onne, innvolvinng trauma, brokenn limbs annd other hardships of life.

#409 - Hobbies for Retirees

Why does Grampa look like the men in that magazine under Mommy's bed?

#410 - OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP

Imagine the face of a family in Japan, desperate for food, water and shelter following the tsunami, as they learn that $2,000 that might have been used for humanitarian aid was spent by this girl's parents to pay for rights to this song and production of this video.

#411 - Because you're never too young to learn you're fugly

Those good-taste trendsetters at Wal-Mart have done it again. Introducing GeoGirl, their new cosmetics line aimed at 8-year-olds.

#412 - Lubricant Not Included

The SHAKE WEIGHT: Putting a little power into "gentleman's time"

Are there really men out there who need this? Haven't most of us been steadily conditioning this set of muscles since about age 12?

#413 - The Helper is coming from INSIDE THE CAR!!!

So the formerly innocuous Hamburger Helper glove is now an ANONYMOUS FREAK CROUCHED IN THE BACK SEAT OF YOUR CAR 

FIG A: Old school Hamburger Helper glove (armless & harmless)



FIG WTF?: Unidentified man WEARING glove as clueless woman eats from hot skillet while driving



#414 - Oh my MILFing god...

Hey, that's cute. It's one of those baby t-shirts with the shocking sayings on it. Way to go being "in your face" and confrontational with your humor, new parents! Let's see, I know what "MILF" stands for, so that means that little Billy's expressing, "My mom is a mom I'd like to..." OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!!

On the other hand, it does explain his ears.

#415 - When you just can't wait to commemorate

“Hey, Grampa, what’s that?”
“Why Billy, this is a coin commemorating the tenth anniversary of the September 11 attacks.”
“Didn’t that happen in 2001?”
“Yes. Why?”
“Because this is 2010, and that’s only nine years ago. Why didn't they make it a ninth anniversary coin?”
“Well, nine years just doesn’t sound as good.”

“Yeah, nine isn’t as cool as ten. I’m nine, so I should know. But they should have just waited until next year to make it. It's stupid to make one in the wrong year.”
“Well, this way collectors like me can buy them early. And so that people can think about the tenth anniversary a year in advance. It makes it special, see?”
“I guess. Why don’t you just think about the ninth anniversary?”
“Well, like you said, nine isn’t as ‘cool’ as ten. Here, check this out. The silver parts of the coin flip up and it looks like the ship is going past the buildings.”
“What boat is that?”
“It’s not a boat; it’s a battleship, the USS New York. It was made from steel that was salvaged from the World Trade Center after it was bombed.”
“That’s the building there in the background, right?”
“Yes.”
“How can the boat be going by the building if they couldn’t make the boat until the building was blown up?”
“It’s not supposed to be real. It’s so people think about the ship and the building together, as the same thing.”
“So they used parts of the building to make something to get revenge on the people who blew it up, right? That's so cool! Like if somebody shot your arm off and then someone found it and used it to beat up the guy that shot you.”
“Well, not exactly...hey, the silver on that coin was pulled from the wreckage of the World Trade Center, too.”
“Cool, is there blood on it?”
“Um, no. It was in a vault under the building.”
“Oh, so the coin people stole it?”
“No, it was…well, now that you mention it, I’m not sure how they got hold of it. But I'm sure it's from under there. They said so in the commercial.”
“Do they sell other stuff from the building? I mean, can you get stuff from the offices, like printers and chairs and stuff? Or their computers! I bet those would be worth a lot! Dad’s office building is full of these really sick computers.”
“'Sick'?”
“If something’s really cool, you say it’s ‘sick.’”
“So do you think this coin’s 'sick,' Billy?”
“Yeah, it’s pretty sick, Grampa.”

#416 - Because even pets deserve shame

“No More Mr. Brown Eye” is the slogan of Rear Gear, a company whose sole products are covers for your pet’s anus. Yes, that embarrassing anatomical exhaust port that Muffin and Fido seem to love showing off for company will no longer endanger your chance to join the best country clubs.

Simply strap the rubber-band-like object around your pet’s tail, and let Rear Gear do the rest. I understand how this might work for dogs, but the fact that Rear Gear expects me to put a rubber band on the base of my cat’s tail indicates that they’ve spent absolutely zero on R&D.

Rear Gear is the 800-pound gorilla in the room of anal concealment. Up until now, even your most tasteless guests wouldn't let on that they were admiring your dog's bunghole. Now that there's a attention-getting cartoon on it, it's rude of people not to stare.

"Why Marge, are those new slipcovers?"
"Yes, don't you just love the way they match the covering on the dog's asshole?"

#417 - Guess Who's Coming in Dinner

Let's begin with the item that inspired this list. Ladies and gentlemen, epicurians and gourmands of the world, I give you Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.

Yes, you read that correctly.

In the foreword, author Fotie Photenhauer claims “Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants.” That's as may be. But while I agree with the first part (depending on the size of one’s porn budget), the latter gives me pause. And by “gives me pause” I mean “scares the shit out of me.” Many fine young men work in the food service industry, but I'll take my chicken piccata “emission”-free, thanks.

The book's recipes include “Slightly Saltier Caviar,” “Glazed Grilled Pink Salmon,” “Tuna Sashimi with Homemade Dipping Sauce” and “Noodles with Special Spicy Sauce.” For dessert, try “Tiramisu Surprise.” Surprise, indeed.

Photenhauer recommends notifying those eating your “personalized” creations of the special ingredient they contain. He believes that this somehow will comfort guests who’ve just discovered that you’re out of your fucking mind.

Manny: Philippe! Inez! So good of you to come. Please put your coats on the bed. And by the way, we’re having semen for dinner.
Philippe: Excuse me?
Inez: Did I hear you right?
Manny: Yes. Semen. You'll find I've put a little of myself into everything on tonight’s menu.
Philippe: Now, look here, my good man.
Inez: Are you out of your fucking mind?
Manny: No, just really tired.

Although it’s probably not mentioned in the book, this endeavor must be intended for single men. I can’t imagine any spouse (gay or straight) letting his/her husband get away with rubbing one out into the salad and offering it to Bob & Diane from down the block.

Welcome to the Showroom

You'll notice that this blog begins with post #417. Why?

1. Starting with #1 is lame
2. Starting high and counting backward gives me a goal
3. I'll probably be too lazy to reach that goal, but stopping at #403 sounds better than stopping at #14.

This is a subjective list. I make no apologies for the fact that I may post things here that you 1) think should exist; 2) make, sell or use; 3) are offensive to the eye, brain, sexual or religious persuasion.

Now let’s get down to business.